The Monologues
Styrenics
- Rest In Peace
Sae Fare Thee Well
The chief of the clan was a Scotsman named Hay,
Descended from French he often would say,
His bark is severe of that we all know,
But his bite can be worse say those he let go,
He drove us to deliver the contracts agreed,
But the memories of good times will never recede.
He's often at Kempton and Sandown racecourse,
He likes a small wager on both donkey and horse,
He has a season ticket for Twickenham's ground,
To see Scotland beat England makes him feel proud,
He'll take us all out for a knees-up, we know,
And this is the last time before we all go.
As part of the merger we acquired Steve Stroud,
Of his Amoco background he was certainly proud,
Styrene made money, it seemed like rich clover,
It was just in the casino he sometimes fell over,
As diversity champion he was politically correct,
He taught us all caution with the opposite sex.
Then young Robin Duggan took up the role,
He looked like a schoolboy fresh off the dole,
He brought with him a certain sartorial style,
Not often seen in the Britannic square mile,
But as long as he laughs at the jokes that I tell,
He can wear his Y-fronts on top and I'll still wish him well.
O, big Ashley Reed came out of the east,
With a huge reputation as king of the feast,
But when it comes to booze none can compare,
He's always the last one found standing there,
A love of fast cars and fearless of speed,
There was never a stayer like big Ashley Reed.
The polystyrene business never did well,
For Jonathon and Ashley life has been hell,
But a fishing trip to Trelleborg can compensate all,
Make even Polystyrene seem like a ball,
For the future this looks like a business to follow,
Just don't hold your breath, it may not be tomorrow.
Four EPS managers came and they went,
A slot where aspiring Vice Presidents were sent,
But despite all of that, the damage was small,
They seemed to add value of that I recall,
And when they did leave, we went on a bender,
It's just that their names, I can't quite remember.
Ying came to help us take away our confusion,
But she writes back to front and eats a profusion,
She knows about packaging a take away dinner,
With her Chinese connections she spotted the winner,
And now our new grades are second to none,
As she looks for her next job, soon she'll be gone.
I used to be first in the office in Pinners,
But I have to confess, I'm now one of the sinners,
Because when I arrive I know who'll be there,
There'll be John Licchelli sat in his chair,
Some say he's up early at around half past four,
But I think it's a lie, for he sleeps on the floor.
When Francisco arrived the accounts they were poor,
The previous controller had been shown the door,
He brought with him a certain Colombian technique,
For when his team of young ladies uncover the cheats,
They flock to his side because he's so young,
And he can even place bets in multiple tongues.
Rachel is our blonde who drives a sports car,
With a wonderful chassis admired from afar,
The wind blows her hair making it difficult to comb,
But she still attracts looks as she makes her way home,
She can handle a spreadsheet like no one I know,
So that two add two make five and our results are aglow.
Tejal is so tiny between business prop forwards,
She'd make a good hooker, strung from their shoulders,
She's recently back from maternity leave,
Adding some weight to the accounting team,
As controller in styrene she really will need,
Big boots and a whip to bring Marl to heel.
HR is a puzzle because I have to be careful,
Annamieke does chide me when I am disrespectful,
But I rarely make comments that are out of line,
Except when I've drunk a whole bottle of wine,
And I like the short hair cut, most of the time,
There is no need to worry in these eyes of mine,
Young Simon seems gentle but really he's tough,
He's a defender of virtue with wild fisticuffs,
And when he's in training not one of us dare,
Neglect to complete the staff questionnaire,
But poor Simon still dreams of a Cottage so Craven,
That when Arsenal arrive he seeks a safe haven.
When Monica helped us she always enthused,
With hardware and software she never refused,
The functions all flowed with everyone there,
We knew what was on, what time and where,
Whatever the problem that came into play,
You could rely on her being there, pointing the way.
Marl was a graveyard in more ways than one,
With accidents and trips if the plants they did run,
And many an employee did leave, what a loss,
Operators, managers and finally the boss,
The Campbells were sent to sort them all out,
And they very soon knew what Styrenics was about.
Dieter and Bernd, we remember them well,
Discussing responsibility, it never did gel,
Fiddling the figures on how many were left,
But when they did go we were really bereft,
With no one to blame and no one to chase,
Volker then came to transform the place.
Wingles was a struggle when Jim wanted cuts,
Didier Michel suffered a thousand head butts,
Then suddenly he realised it had to be done,
Soon it was fixed and his medal was won,
We have fewer people but with PS to spare,
We just need some customers taking our wares.
The evenings in Lille were spent in cafés,
Sampling the fare and becoming gourmets,
Les plats
regionaux were a genuine delight,
With the fruity French wine night after night,
And even when Jim decided he'd stay,
We could still make the meeting the following day.
We sometimes go north to see Inge the Swede,
Before the weather gets cold as the summer recedes,
At weekends he's a Viking, big on pillage and rape,
He wears his own hard hat with horns held with tape,
He keeps a low profile when costs are around,
But he runs a tight plant of that there's no doubt.
In Texas sits Johnny with his ten-gallon hat,
He likes to shoot buffalo and wild alley-cats,
He's big mates with Jim 'cause he not only shoots,
His preference in footware is for smart cowboy boots,
He now owns a licence for a concealed handgun,
And manpower reductions are so much more fun.
Now the Technology team, they are the best,
Being careful on spending is the critical test,
Steve Pollitt is welcome in the bunker in Marl,
And even in Texas they no longer snarl,
Where doing it for nothing was one of our aims,
And 'give us a discount' was a constant refrain.
Steve saved me a nickel and spared me a blush,
When I rammed up the rear of a lady in slush,
We had stopped at a toll on a cold winter's day,
On our first trip to Chicago down Amoco way,
She didn't stop long, just took one look behind,
As she sped down the road fearing what she would find.
Gordon led the projects to conquer the world,
We'll now have to wait till new growth unfurls.
With projects in Marl and Texas to build,
We were destined to lead, the competition felt chilled,
But the recession hit hard and with capex revoked,
We were soon left with nothing, just feeling choked.
Technology in Wingles was drastically cut,
They will soon relocate to a small garden hut,
Raymond has delivered the product performance,
For James, it seems PEPS may just have been romance,
And Jean Marc has never recovered his vision,
Since Jonathon took him to Stringfellow's prison.
So Styrenics is dead of that we are sure,
Words like performance and delivery we'll hear of no more,
Dissolved and dispersed is what we will be,
Talk of profit and costs we'll no longer see,
And the rest of the BU's no longer need hide,
From Styrenics team members swollen with pride.
Malcolm Hulatt © 2001
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When he was in Grangemouth he was all skin and bone,
No' but a slip of a lad,
The bag carrier for the WGM,
The finest of jobs to be had.
He had served his time running phenol,
The nastiest of plants on the site,
If it went wrong, the whole lot would go up,
No excuses, it had to be right.
Then they put him in front of the unions,
For the annual negotiating round,
Reduction of jobs was high on the list,
A success of which he was proud.
They didn't waste time on promotion,
They whisked him right off to the smoke,
With all of its sins and temptations of flesh,
But he's never been that kind of bloke.
He was a demon in corporate planning,
Hob-nobbing with chiefs at the top,
Kicking out all those crap capital cases,
Destined to lose money and flop.
And then when he could stand it no longer.
He was dispatched to the valleys of Wales,
To sort a floundering, withering site,
Therein lie a few dozen tales.
Sometimes, found standing at the rugby club bar,
Drinking pints of Brains' 'skull attack',
And with bp debentures under his wing,
He was often down Cardiff Arms Park.
Division successfully restructured,
Not much of it left there today,
Costs were all cut and manpower reduced,
But soon it was fading away.
There then was a call to the East,
To leave all things Welsh far behind,
He found a new life to his liking,
Where sport helped the lad to unwind.
He went out a supporter of Calvin,
Never tempted by women or drink,
Conversion to Islam was merely a snip,
Not caring what people might think.
He managed to wangle a few dollars,
One fifty million if exact,
And he used all his guile to convince them,
To build a third polymer plant.
The project was delivered within cost,
It was also built within time,
But, with the collapse of the Asian market,
It hardly delivered a dime.
Then back to build up Styrenics,
With a strategy endorsed by the board,
The team pulled together to cut out the costs
When growth was thrown out we were floored.
With Veba there came a new challenge,
To show all his skills to the best.
When diplomacy in Germany got a bit stretched,
He could shout as loud as the rest.
He never neglected his training,
On that subject he has no remorse,
I often rang in for a chat,
To be told he's away on a course.
Be it Wentworth or Sandown or Kempton,
The courses all kept him refreshed,
But updating his networking contacts,
Could leave him a little distressed.
A man who likes a small wager,
On the outcome of a race on the track,
An owner of horses himself,
Who picks up loose chat from the tack.
For he knows how to take in his pleasure,
He will also share it about,
Whether rugby or golf or just dinner,
There were times of which we can shout.
No longer a slip of a lad,
Who in Grangemouth weighed only ten stone,
Wine and much malt has flowed under the bridge,
For he's no longer just skin and bone.
So the company is turning full circle,
Reinventing itself yet again,
Now is the time to go back to the East,
To search out new fortune and fame.
He's collected his fair share of critics,
But also his fair share of friends,
Though we're all sorry to see him move on,
We wish him good health to the end.
Sae fare thee well my bonnie lad,
Let's drink a toast today,
May the haggis up your kilt stay fresh.
And never fade away.
Malcolm Hulatt © 2002
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